Affffraid of the Geek Squad

The F key on my laptop is broken. When I press it, it gets stuck to my finger and I have to press ffffff really hard until it clicks into place. It’s frustrating. And considering that I’m trying to make an effort to write more, you’d think I’d simply glue that key back on. Or take my computer to the “Geek Squad” to get it fixed. But I don’t. And I probably won’t for a long, long time.

Procrastination? Maybe ffffff so, but something in me suspects that it goes deeper than that. (Everything is a metaphor.)

In school I was a mediocre student. The reason for that had nothing to do with laziness, carelessness, stupidity, or even rebelliousness (well… eh). It was because I was constantly distracted by my own imagination, daydreams and over-analysis to remember about stuff. And though that’s gotten better with yoga and meditation, it’s still a struggle.

I’m not necessarily a daydreamer because I’m dissatisfied with what’s happening around me. Sometimes I accidentally hurt people’s feelings by being too distracted with my own OCD to give them my undivided attention. And though I may seem like a “space cadet” without a thought in my blonde head, It’s actually so full of thoughts that the only way out is to either a) slam my head against the wall repeatedly (and never stop), b) get drunk, or c) practice yoga.

Yoga hasn’t taken away my obsessive thoughts, but it has transformed them into a more uplifting practice, one that is much more productive toward my soul’s evolution. Instead of perpetuating negative thoughts, I’m usually able to redirect them before they develop into visions of… driving off cliffs and bursting into flames (I start to go there anytime I walk into like, a Walgreens.)

Despite the “positivity” I’ve learned, yoga has actually enabled me to observe what makes me run from reality, and to direct myself back into the here and now. Positivity isn’t necessarily cheerfulness. Allowing yourself to feel everything is positive. Running from your emotions is negative. Embracing the moment, no matter how painful, is an essential component to happiness.

That said, this is a constant practice. It never goes away. It’s not as if you wake up one day after years of yoga and meditation and are suddenly freed from the internal chatter. For me, the trick has been to remember that my true self is an observer, not the voice that tells me I’m an ugly and shitty person, not the asshole voice who perpetually replays that ridiculous thing I did in front of those people the other day.

It feels easier to stay stuck in my head, but often it’s much more difficult.

When I get caught up in a cycle, no matter how harmful that cycle may be, breaking out of it sometimes seems so impossible, that I’d almost prefer to stay in misery. The more I marinate in my own misery, the more I start to believe I deserve it. This is what makes me feel like I may sometimes actually be more terrified of clarity than chaos.

And that’s why I still haven’t fixed my keyboard. Sure, it doesn’t help that it’s a very forgettable task, but more than anything, the idea of making my life a tiny bit easier somehow sounds horrifying. I would rather spend time writing about it, talking about it, thinking about it, etc.

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