Family During The Holidays

Why does family time during the holidays matter? How do I make family time during the holidays enjoyable? How do I cope with the loss of family members over the holidays?

We’ve all heard the horror stories. Family arguments escalating to food fights and yelling matches. Whether you come from a family where harmony balances on the edge of a breathtaking precipice or peace is as popular as the rum cake, we all know there is an art to dealing with family over the holidays. Some of us look forward to seeing all the aunts, uncles and hordes of cousins while others dread it almost as much as visiting the dentist. No matter what side you fall on, it’s important that you understand the value of family, especially during the holidays.

Family is a tricky thing. Thankfully, my family is at a point now where everyone is relatively peaceful, at least on my mother’s side. Our family Christmas’ are spent with one of my mother’s many brothers and usually consists of tranquil, holiday spirit infused time spent at alternately our house or theirs. That being said, there was a time when we spent Christmas Eve with my father’s family and behaviour was definitely not as refined, for lack of a better word. That being said, things never escalated beyond awkward looks or a few unfiltered comments. Why? Because we all knew we were there to please our Grandmother. In every family, there is someone who is the glue. Usually, it’s Grandma. I am stepping out on a limb here, but I think families that openly fight or struggle to have quality family gatherings have either lost the glue or have failed to recognise the importance of the glue. Sometimes, as the younger members of the family, we feel we are just there to keep our mouths closed and watched the drama go down. In reality, we have the power to bring the attention back to the person who holds the family together.

If you feel that your family is probably going to be explosive at Christmas dinner, start to remove the ammunition before you arrive. Sit your immediate family down and pick a person who you believe is the glue of the family. (Make sure that if the glue is part of your immediate family that they are not included in this conversation). Remind everyone how important Christmas and family is to the person you have identified as the glue. Pour on the guilt. Use any argument that you can to bring attention to the fact that everyone needs to behave for the sake of the glue’s happiness.

If you’re getting lost in all this talk about adhesives let me give you a concrete example. My father’s side of the family had everything in the making for an explosive environment at Christmas Eve dinner. However, nothing ever happened because everyone pulled themselves together and behaved for my grandmother, who loved Christmas dearly. My grandmother was a fighter, a woman who had endured just about all that life could through at her, and yet she still had the heart to love Christmas. She was the Christmas spirit in flesh. Everyone has someone like this in their family. Sometimes, we let our issues and frustrations overshadow our responsibility to respect these people and their love for the holidays. Just because most of us post-millennials are growing up, doesn’t mean that we have to behave like the adults in our family. We can behave better. We can shift the focus of the holidays back to where it belongs; to love and respect.

Once you’ve got the fighting under control it’s time for a step up- making things actually enjoyable. This can be tricky, especially for families on the other end of the spectrum from the type we’ve been discussing so far. Family gatherings can sometimes be flat out boring, even so much that it becomes awkward. If you haven’t had a fight at a family gathering you probably have at least had a dinner or two plagued with awkward silences.

The trick to fixing this might seem simple, but it takes some courage to do. How do you fix a bland family gathering? You show interest. Although your family may be boring or hard to entertain, I can probably guarantee that you know a thing or two about these people. The morning before you have a family dinner think about each person who will be attending and one thing about them that you know they love. I don’t mean a holiday dessert they love, I mean something that they genuinely love. Even better, see if you can come up with one thing that everyone loves. For my mom’s side of the family, that’s music. When we spend time together it’s a little awkward at first, but after dinner, when everyone gathers together and is either listening to or playing music it becomes almost magical. The memories I will never forget are always after dinner and after dessert when full bellies and sleepy eyes have caused everyone to let down their guard a little. I would venture that your family has an activity like this. Maybe it’s board games or a favourite show. Maybe it’s charades or music or even discussions. Be the one who finds this activity and nurtures it. Encourage everyone to participate, even if they are just active spectators. You’ll be surprised how suddenly your holiday with family is much more fun and you may even get to know your family a bit better.

The last, and hardest thing that I want to talk about when it comes to family and the holidays is loss. Loss and grief are things I have ample experience with. They are inevitable. Some lucky few of us have yet to experience this pain while others have experienced far too much in their youth. The holidays are a time where loss is impossible to avoid. Even if you don’t have a missing family member I can guarantee that someone you love does. That may be your mother or father missing their parents, a friend missing a parent or sibling or your grandparents missing siblings. Death is rampant and undiscriminating, even during the holidays.

The best and worst part of holidays when it comes to loss are memories. If loss is fresh, every memory will sting. If time has passed and healing has begun, memories can be happy. If you are dealing with loss understand that you have every right to share or not to share those memories. That being said, and I speak from experience, it is better to replay those memories and keep them bright and polished than to shut them away and let the moths get to them. During the holidays, take time for yourself to remember. Throughout the season, step away from the hustle and bustle and allow yourself to sit, close your eyes and remember. It may hurt or it may heal, but no matter what, it will help you to connect with the love. Remembering the love you shared with those you have lost is especially important during the holidays.

If you are among the lucky few who have so far escaped the collateral damage, have compassion for those who have not. You know your family and friends best, be there to reminisce with them or to silently support them through this time. Understand that death is a tricky thing. Pray for tranquillity and peace within the hearts of those who are missing loved ones this Christmas.

This week I won’t be giving you a resource because you are the best resource when it comes to your family ;)

Much, much love and Merry Christmas,

Sabrina Joy

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